Dear William,
Tell me -- what are you thinking right now? Do you ever regret making this plan and convincing me to do it?
I have to tell you when this all started I was scared. Terrified. My very bones felt heavy with fear. I thought the scarf would fall off my face and everyone would see my feminine chin and lack of a beard. I was conscious of always keeping my back slightly arched, so no one could see my breasts. Just the thought of what they would do to not only two runaway slaves, but a crossdresser and a supporter of it.
But even halfway through the journey when I started to become comfortable enough with the men, I would feel a different deep fear when I laid down for bed at night. All the things I heard during the day would swirl around in my head and make me sick. I came face to face with white supremacy and white ownership of black bodies. They would try and convince me not to go North, because once we were in the free states, I could never hold onto you. They didn't want you to get any radical ideas that you were human and deserved freedom. If they knew I was black too, would that change their minds about our people? Or would they suddenly turn on me and hurt us because I was pretending to have their undeserved privilege?
I'm beginning to ramble. But I just wanted you to know that all this talk is not getting to me at all. I can't imagine what this might be like for you to pretend to be my property. It sure is messing my psyche up a little. But we're almost there. Let's hold onto our sanity and our love until then.
Sincerely,
Ellen
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